Ohana Wellness

You Can't Paint a Rainbow With Just One Color

2012-01-25T23:15:00.000-08:00

“Boys will be boys.”

I loathe this expression. It is frequently offered by parents who have dropped the ball in their responsibility to raise an empathetic citizen of humanity. Just because your child has a penis, doesn’t make it okay for him to hit my child.

Gender socialization has been proven to begin in the womb. Research shows that we talk a lot more to our babies while they are still in the womb if we are told they are girls. Why should we limit our verbal interaction with our babies just because they are male? Then as they age we say we don’t talk with them as much because they just aren’t as communicative. They aren’t as communicative because we don’t talk with them as much! It is a reciprocal dynamic of influence that results in us missing out on a lot of quality, meaningful conversations with our sons.

Traits like aggression and actions like hitting are two different things. Testosterone is not an excuse for behavior that violates the rights of others. When I see one girl hit another girl on the playground it is usually accompanied by a time of separation and a long talk. This talk usually contains two components: making it clear that that choice is not acceptable and empathy building, helping the child to see the situation from behind the eyes of the victim. Frequently this talk ends with the female aggressor apologizing to the recipient of her aggressive action. When I see a boy hit a child on the playground, it usually elicits little more than an eye roll from the parent, maybe a “Stop!” as the child runs off. So is the boy more aggressive because we allow it or do we allow it because the boy is more aggressive? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The answer is that it is a combination of both nature and nurture. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter- our jobs as the parents of our individual children are the same. We must get to know who they are, both the essence of their being and the minutia of their ways and preferences and use that to help guide them to become the best person they can be- to be happy within themselves and a positive contributor to the world.

A friend, who has 5 daughters, remarked to me that, “Whenever I take my girls anywhere someone is always calling them ‘princess’. Yes they are girls but they have the capacity to be interested in other things!” Girls are often praised as princesses for traits like being pretty and quiet. Are those really the qualities you want your daughter to aspire to? As a mother to 3 boys I can tell you I often hear, “Hey tough guy!” Do we really want our sons to be aggressive and emotionally out of touch? I am not saying that the resilience and strength associated with being tough is a bad thing. I am not saying that we cannot appreciate the beauty of our children or that there is no value in listening. I am saying that a well rounded person should have access to ALL of these characteristics. What will grant them that access is encouragement of behaviors and traits beyond the limits of their gender stereotypes. Praise your daughter for her leadership and courage in addition to her natural physical state. Praise your son for his empathetic care of others in addition to his commanding presence.

All human beings need to receive, have the potential to give, and thrive on immense affection, regardless of the genitalia with which they were born. They have the same capacity to love, care and hurt. They have the same need for love, care and comfort. Their capacity to hold all those feel good bonding hormones that are replenished with acts of love and gestures of affection are the same. The lifelong benefits received from having those needs met are the same. If they fall and scrape their knee, they bleed the same and experience the same pain. A boy is no more equipped to tolerate the pain and isolation of a physical and emotional wound left untended than a girl. A girl is in need of no more coddling than a boy. When we deny our boys the affection they need they will seek that physical contact in other, more gender role accepted ways like hitting and wrestling- both of which are physical connection, which all humans need for survival. Withholding the physical expression of our love and tenderness from our sons and discouraging them from sharing that with others robs everyone of the level of peace we could attain as a people.

Thinking of all the love that the world misses out on from boys gives me a heavy heart. My sons spend hours a day, usually during the course of other activities, lovingly stroking the back of their brother, hugging, kissing and cuddling me, and expressing loving words of affection and care. I cannot imagine what kind of life I would have, what kind of family my children would grow up in, what kind of world I would be surrounded by if this affection was not a part of our lives. They still have sword fights as Peter Pan and Captain Hook but they also have access to a whole pool of other emotions and expressions of their relationships. Why limit your child’s depth based on their gender?

Mimicking the nurturing care he sees given to his baby brother.

Play is the world through which children exercise… everything. It is the playground of the imagination, the therapeutic space for their issues and the practice ring for their learning. Limiting the type, style or specifics of your child’s play based on arbitrary gender boundaries is profoundly limiting. A boy who plays with dolls is allowed to process the way in which he is cared for, practice relating to others and prepares for the potential transition into fatherhood. A girl who is given blocks is allowed to exercise the mathematical side of her brain and use spatial reasoning. A girl who has a parent who plays the role of princess or villain and allows his/her daughter to play the role of hero, defeating the scary or seemingly insurmountable in her life is empowered and encouraged to tap into her courage, strength and leadership. A boy who is granted access to a full spectrum of dress up opportunities, beyond fireman and cowboy is allowed to try on, experience and manipulate the myriad of human experiences.

Once your children enter the classroom the ignorance of others will begin their influence on your precious progeny. The foundation you give them must be strong enough to endow them with the strength of character to be true to who they are in the face of that ignorance. Will your daughter who has a natural ability and interest in math persist with her passion when her teacher calls on the boys for math and science questions 2/3 of the time? Will your son channel the empathy he received from you and prioritize his relationships over his status and stand up for a peer who is being bullied? Will your daughter excel at a sport that she is great at? Will your son wear his favorite pink shirt?

I am not advocating for gender neutrality. I am against gender as a limiting force in the formation of your child’s identity. In some cultures pink is for boys and blue is for girls (pink and red are considered the color of battle while blue represents docility and the giving of life). In our culture, it is arbitrarily vice versa. There is nothing written into our DNA, no code in the X/Y chromosomes that dictate color preference. I want all of my children to have access to the full spectrum of the rainbow on their palettes. Restricting the colors with which they can paint the world only limits what they are able to create, see, imagine and manifest.

No, I will not be ashamed or hide while breastfeeding.

2012-01-25T00:12:00.000-08:00

I was once told by a family member, who emailed me after seeing me discuss my breastfeeding relationship online with a sense of contentment and pride, that I was shaming the Rainbolt name. Upon further “discussion” he stated that he was not against breastfeeding. He was opposed to breastfeeding in public.

Ummmm… hey douche bag, they’re the same thing! Really think about this, because this is something I have heard stated elsewhere. For a mother to please your sensibilities, what would that look like? You would like her to exclusively breastfeed her baby, because you are for breastfeeding, but the breastfeeding can never take place outside of her house, in front of any other people, or even be discussed with others. That is not possible! Babies breastfeed constantly- for hours, all day. If a mother cannot breastfeed in public, she could never leave the house! And I do not give you or anyone else the power to take away my freedom, or the freedom of any other breastfeeding mother. Breastfeeding is not and should not be a prison sentence. Breastfeeding mothers have to live the same kind of life you do with crazy public activities like grocery shopping, doctor’s appointments, eating lunch, etc. And in order for said life to continue, breastfeeding will occur in public.

This attitude that breastfeeding should not be done in public is so detrimental to breastfeeding success and the psychological well-being of women. Even the most resilient of mothers feels the pressure and only the strongest stand up to it. If we live our lives never seeing other women breastfeed, how can we possibly be expected to know how to do it? If our children do not grow up seeing breastfeeding as the normal way to feed a baby then how can they be expected to want or plan to breastfeed their babies? I will not allow your implication that I should be ashamed of breastfeeding permeate into my relationship with my baby or the way in which I interact with society. I live my life and feed my baby, all with a sense of contentment and pride.

Breastfeeding in Public

2012-01-24T23:48:00.001-08:00

Breastfeeding in public is just breastfeeding. You live one life, in one world that belongs to all of us. It is not possible to designate breastfeeding as a private activity because it is not possible to live a life exclusively in private. Embrace breastfeeding on cue and live your life out in the world.

The first few weeks of breastfeeding can be hard. The cocooned state of the babymoon lends itself perfectly to giving you the comfortable space you to need to get your footing breastfeeding your baby and work through any potentially painful challenges that can mark the first weeks of your breastfeeding journey. It takes practice and guidance to successfully exit your babymoon with breasts and a baby who respond to each other with ease. But once you are over the hump, life is sweet. This is when you are ready to leave the safety net of your breastfeeding pillow and rocking chair and step excitedly into the current of society as your baby’s mommy.

Feeding on cue is the perfect way to have a successful, easy, convenient breastfeeding relationship, even and especially in public. Trying to schedule your baby’s feeding sessions puts a lot of pressure on you and a mountain of pressure of your baby. You are really setting yourself up for failure if you simultaneously limit your access to the world and deny your baby their coping mechanism by restricting your breastfeeding to a schedule. Breastfeeding on cue means you have everything and exactly what Baby needs in every situation and at all times. Your baby is “society friendly”, contentedly willing to go anywhere and tolerate most anything as long as they have their mommy milk at hand.

Breastfeeding in public comes together with babywearing in perfect harmony to give you access to all society has to offer. Once you master breastfeeding in a sling or carrier, the world is your oyster. You no longer even require a place to sit or two free hands. I can breastfeed my baby while pushing a shopping cart and holding my older son’s hand in the grocery store, all with comfort and discretion.

I find that it is helpful and worth the investment to buy some shirts that easily facilitate breastfeeding in public. You can also go through your existing wardrobe with a fresh pair of eyes, looking at your clothes from a new perspective with the priority of boob access. A set of camisole tank tops with an elastic neckline can be worn under any shirt that can be easily lifted to create a comfortable and discreet nursing set up. Anytime your baby wants to nurse you simply reach under the over shirt, lower the cami tank and raise the over shirt just enough to latch baby. This is a beautiful set up because your baby has access, your breast is covered, your belly is covered, and you can still see your baby’s face. If you are breastfeeding in a sling or carrier I highly recommend shirts that either have a neckline that stretches below your breast or button down at the top. While wearing your baby in a sling it is difficult to pull a shirt up but easy to lower or unbutton a shirt from the top down and the sling or carrier provides any privacy you may want. I also recommend investing some good nursing bras. They can keep you comfortable, supported, and provide convenient access for breastfeeding out in the world.

I pride myself on being a considerate person but as a parent I am the advocate for what is in the best interest of my child. It is my job to weigh what is in the best interest of my baby against what is in the best interest of others. If my 3 year old were screaming in a restaurant, that would be disruptive to others. He would not be receiving enough of a benefit from that behavior to outweigh the consideration of the disruption, so I would stop the screaming. When it comes to breastfeeding, the benefits to my baby FAR outweigh any potential modesty-based discomfort on anyone’s part. Furthermore, the only reason breastfeeding makes some onlookers uncomfortable is because it is sadly too rare of a sight. Breastfeeding in public normalizes breastfeeding. Merely by doing what is normal and best in the course of your everyday life, you encourage other women to breastfeed, model how it is done, and socialize support. So, if your breastfeeding makes anyone uncomfortable, they are welcome to eat their lunch in the bathroom. If someone has a problem with breastfeeding it is THEIR problem, not yours.

Every breastfeeding mother should know and be confident in asserting your legal right to breastfeed in public anywhere you and your baby are allowed to be. Most people are kind, considerate and supportive. You may well go your entire breastfeeding journey encountering nothing but positive interactions. However, there are some ignorant people in our society whom you could, unfortunately, encounter. I encourage you so vehemently to not give anyone else the power to take away your freedom (making you feel like you shouldn’t ever leave your home) or your contentment and pride.

Breastfeeding My West: An act of love

2012-01-24T19:12:00.000-08:00

Breastfeeding is how my baby and I plug into each other, creating a connection through which his body, mind, heart and soul are all fed. If he is hungry, our connection provides him sustenance. If he is tired, our connection lulls him. If he is distressed, our connection soothes him. If he is discomforted, our connection eases the discomfort. If he is ill, our connection is all the medicine he needs. If he is over stimulated, the rest of the world fades away and disappears as he becomes lost in our connection. If he is joyful, our connection sets the stage for the dance of interaction between our faces.

It is spiritual. It is practical. It is so much between my baby and I. It is a physical experience to compliment, reflect and facilitate a magnificent, bonded relationship. To be able to experience such a physical reaction to his cry with the letdown of milk and the physical discomfort of being swollen with longing with the engorgement that comes from separation is relieving and cathartic, providing a physical outlet for so much that exists between us. I give and he receives but without his interactive presence and need I would have nothing to give. It requires of us both and from it we reap rewards that transcend what anyone else can see and what can be read on a list of benefits.

As he latches, a true and total peace washes over his face. In that moment and those that follow he wants for nothing, his every need met. The moments preceding are forgotten and no experience outside the current exchange between us matters or even seems to have ever mattered. Our breastfeeding time together forces me to carve out a sanctuary for the two of us, insulated from the agenda of the day and the demands of life. Here in this cloud we float together, warm and cozy, insulated from the storms of the world.

From any pain, challenges or obstacles springs only elevated devotion, dedication and investment in this harborer of my love returned to me, my future. You are worth every ounce of this miraculous part of me I give to you, this gift of breast milk.

Bottle Feeding With Breastfeeding Style

2012-01-23T01:20:00.000-08:00

Although the benefits of breastfeeding are immense, you may find yourself in a position where it is just not an option. Most women who formula or bottle feed say they could not breastfeed but really they chose not to breastfeed. I encourage you to exhaust every avenue of support before formula feeding because the lifelong benefit to your baby is worth overcoming a lot, especially since the majority of breastfeeding challenges can be overcome. If you are among the very small minority of women who decide that breastfeeding is not possible for you or not in the best interest of your baby, you can capture some of the benefits of the breastfeeding relationship by tapping into some of the breastfeeding style and strategies.

One aspect of infant feeding that is common to the breastfeeding relationship is feeding on cue. Baby gives a cue that she would like to feed and mom puts Baby at the breast. When parents are bottle feeding they tend to fall into scheduling. There are many things that contribute to this tendency like the inconvenience of the supplies and preparation required for bottle feeding, the involvement of numerous feeders (other than mom), the disconnect that can manifest between a parent a baby who are not directly physically responding to each other, etc. Feeding on cue tunes parents into the cues of their baby and they then read and respond to those cues through feeding. This begins with when you feed Baby and extends to the length of each feeding. Most breastfeeding mothers offer milk when Baby displays a cue that they want to breastfeed and withdraw the breast as soon as Baby displays a cue that they are done. If you have just done all the work (and shouldered the financial expense) of preparing a bottle, you will tend not to want to stop before the bottle is emptied. If you can forget about the measurement lines on the bottle and ignore the clock, feeding your baby on cue, you can tap into one of the bond-strengthening benefits of breastfeeding while bottle feeding.

When a mother and baby breastfeed the baby’s face and mother’s face are roughly 6-12” apart- the exact distance to which a newborn can see. Nature designed Baby’s view at the breast to maximize bonding and learning. While a breastfed baby is breastfeeding, Mom’s face is on center stage and with those big innocent eyes gazing at her, mothers tend to be happy to take full advantage of the captive audience. As the two stare into each other’s eyes for hours upon hours throughout the day and night, magic things happen. For example, Mom employs all those tenants of Baby Talk, expressively speaking to Baby in a way that captures her attention and teaches her the foundation of language. This benefit to the breastfeeding relationship can be tapped into while bottle feeding if you simply lay the bottle right on your breast or hold it against your chest at a similar angle. Holding the bottle in the same position as the breast every time you feed your baby sets you and your baby up for all the same face-to-face interaction that takes place during breastfeeding. It also allows your baby to utilize one of their natural regulators of over-stimulation. Babies frequently breastfeed when in an over-stimulating situation because they are turned away from the world, focused right in on their emotional anchor- you.

One powerful source of bonding between a mother and baby is all of the skin-to-skin contact that is a part of breastfeeding. It is a common occurrence between a breastfeeding mom and baby to spend all day shirtless and connected. If you are bottle feeding, it may seem odd to spend time shirtless but skin-to-skin contact is so powerfully nurturing to your baby’s body. So as often as you can, be home, shirtless, and glued to each other in oxytocin bliss.

Proximity is a cornerstone of every breastfeeding relationship. In order to produce milk you have to sense to the demand and in order to respond to your baby’s cues of hunger, you have to be in close proximity to your baby at almost all times. Since bottle feeding moms have the “freedom” of not being physically tethered to their babies, they tend to allow more time and space between themselves and their babies. Your baby benefits greatly from your presence. It’s as simple as that. Realize that your physical presence is just as essential for your baby when bottle feeding as when breastfeeding and you give your baby another benefit commonly enjoyed by breastfeeding babies.

Bottle feeding can never provide your baby with all the benefits of breastfeeding but there are some steps you can take to give your baby some significant benefits that many bottle fed babies do not enjoy. Feed your baby on cue, position the bottle as a breast, partake in plenty of skin-to-skin contact and remain in close proximity and you and your baby can enjoy some intimate bonding time as a part of infant feeding.

Breastfeeding On Cue: Ask and ye shall receive

2012-01-22T22:19:00.001-08:00

At your first pediatric appointment with your new baby you are always asked, “How often do you feed him?” This question may seem innocuous to the unsuspecting new parent but beware! It is a loaded question. The conversation with me goes something like this:

“How often do you feed him?”

“Whenever he wants to breastfeed.”

“How often is that?”

“However often he wants to breastfeed.”

“Are you feeding him every 2 hours?”

“No. I am feeding him whenever he wants to breastfeed.”

“Well we need to know so you need to keep track.”

“No, actually I don’t. We both need to know if he is healthy and thriving and I invite you to observe my healthy, thriving baby. And he got this way by being breastfed on cue and not on a schedule. I base my parenting decisions on what is in the best interest of my baby, not what makes it most convenient for you to fill out your chart.”

Cue disgruntled nurse exiting exam room. Could I be called a bitch? Perhaps, but I am 100% okay with being disliked for standing up for what I know is in the best interest of my baby. A lot of moms would just say, “Sure, every 2 hours.” You pick and choose your battles and this is a battle I choose because that question doesn’t just ask you for information, it tells you that you should be scheduling your infant’s feedings. This question leaves the mom who has been following her maternal wisdom, responding sensitively to her baby’s cues and feeding him when he wants to breastfeed thinking, “Oh my goodness. I’m supposed to know how often he breastfeeds? Why don’t I know how often he breastfeeds? I’m supposed to feed him every 2 hours? Oh my goodness. This is how everyone else feeds their baby? If the nurse is implying that I should be breastfeeding him on a schedule than that must be what is healthiest for him.”

Babies are born knowing few things but if nothing else, they have an amazingly strong mind-body connection- they know how to listen to their bodies. This means that they eat when they are hungry. They sleep when they are tired. They seek comfort when they need it. You cannot over breastfeed a baby. If you foster this mind-body connection, you encourage your child to listen to the signals of their body and allow those to guide them. This looks like a child who eats when they are hungry and stops when they are no longer hungry. If you interrupt this connection in an attempt to seize control of your baby’s feedings, you teach your child to ignore the signals of their body. Eat when there is food in front of you. Eat until it is gone because you won’t be able to eat again, even if you are hungry. Eating is about a clock and a routine. Eating becomes more about the power struggle between parent and child and not about satisfying needs. Furthermore, there is a loss of trust that happens between parent and infant when an infant reaches out, communicates that they have a need, and that need is not met.

In addition to the mind-body connection within your baby, there is an amazing breast-baby connection that flourishes when you breastfeed on cue. Your milk supply will perfectly attune to baby’s ever changing nutritional needs. If your baby is having a growth spurt and needs more milk, as long as you offer it (put him to breast whenever he is hungry), your milk supply will increase to perfectly meet his need. With only a 24 hour layover time, your breasts will adjust to every change in his natural routine, ensuring his every need is met. All you have to do to allow this perfectly honed system to function is breastfeed on cue.

Luckily for parents and infants, breastfeeding meets so many needs for a baby. This makes the system of cue and response pretty simple. My baby West, who has been breastfeeding as I type, was laying on my lap when his arms and legs began to move more abruptly and he turned his face to the side, slightly raising the right side of his upper lip. I pulled aside my shirt, he latched and breastfed for about 10 minutes and fell asleep then rolled his head onto the center of my chest. Was he hungry? Yes. Was he tired? Yes. Was he in need of some intimate bonding time? Yes. Mission accomplished on all fronts. It is such a perfect system, such a beautiful dance that takes place between us and as long as we move to the rhythm, we are in sync, in perfect harmony. Whether I am teaching a class or at a park with my kids, I cannot imagine a more convenient and healthy life for me and my baby. I trust him and he trusts me. I cannot imagine a better foundation for a loving relationship. Oh, West just started grunting and slobbering on my chest and my milk just let down. I’m off to breastfeed on cue.

Night Weaning

2012-01-13T19:41:00.001-08:00

Rachel Rainbolt, M.A., CEIM
www.OhanaWellness.com

Many breastfed toddlers reach a point when they figure out that during the day, they do not want to stop being active and having fun to breastfeed. Walking and eating new solid foods are novel skills they are just too excited about to take a break, be still and nurse. They want to spend the whole day walking, playing and chowing down on solid food. But they are not yet ready to wean. They still crave the nutrition from breast milk and the bonding time from breastfeeding. Your toddler is so smart that he may realize that nighttime is boring and the perfect time to make up all that breastfeeding they have cut out of the day.

If you are reading this thinking, “That is not us at all. I have a 6 month old who wakes 3 times at night and I am ready to sleep.” This is not the article for you. I invite you to read my article Nighttime Harmony, which is all about infant sleep: http://ohanawellness.net/articles/NighttimeHarmony.html

The long process of your child growing and maturing into his independence is one that he should lead. This should be extended to all aspects of parenting, including breastfeeding. However, I also understand that for some people, under some circumstances, they must wean their little one at nighttime in order to get the sleep they need to be a good parent to that child. If you feel that this is the right choice for your baby and you, I can offer you a strategy for night weaning that maintains the dignity, respect, empathy and compassion with which you parent. This strategy contains no CIO (Cry-It-Out) and does not deny your child you, your comfort, your contact or your love.

Until your little one is old enough to understand what “night-night” means, they are too young for this (or any) nighttime weaning. Your baby should be at least 12 months old, older if you feel they don’t yet have a firm grasp on this concept. I also want to be clear that this is not a strategy for weaning from breastfeeding in general or an implication, in any way, that babies should be night weaning at 12 months old. If you are happily and functionally night nursing your sweet babe then embrace it and treasure the time, as it won’t last forever and you will look back on this precious time fondly.

You want to begin your nighttime with a nighttime routine that will help your baby to unwind, calm down and relax while filling his love cup. I suggest something like saying goodnight to the sun and hello to the moon and stars, bath, book, massage, breastfeeding. Infant massage is really the perfect thing to include in your nighttime routine because in addition to research showing that your baby can sleep longer after a massage, it addresses/prevents a lot of the causes of night-waking. I have a video that teaches a nighttime massage routine that you could learn at home on your own and integrate into your nighttime routine: http://ohanawellness.net/soothingslumbervideo.html .

So without further adieu, here is what I suggest: set a time window when "Milk is night- night." You want to tell your little one during the breastfeeding portion of their nighttime routine that just like sun goes night-night and “Baby” (insert child’s name) is going night-night and Mommy is going night-night, “milk” is going to go night-night. Substitute the word “milk” with whatever word you use for breastfeeding. Set aside a brief window of time to start with when the “milk” will be night-night. “Milk” should wake up at sunrise. Since little ones can’t tell time, the sun is the perfect indicator for them. For example, if you begin with a window of 4-6am, you breastfeed them each time they wake until 4am. The last feeding before 4am you tell your child, “Okay, milk is going night-night. Night-night milk.” When the sun wakes up, the milk wakes up.“ Then if they wake to breastfeed during the 4-6am window, remind them that “Milk is night-night. When the sun wakes up, the milk wakes up.” During this time, your baby will probably be upset and you are free to follow your maternal instincts and comfort, hold, cuddle and love your baby. Your baby is never denied access to the caregivers who love her.

Once your baby becomes relatively comfortable with the brief window, you can then expand that window as you desire. Move to 3-6am, then 2-6am, then 1-6am etc. I advise parents to ultimately land on the hours that the parent sleeps. For example, if you go to sleep at 12 midnight, the “milk” can be night-night from 12 midnight until sunrise. If you say “Milk is night-night” and then he cries and you give him milk, it will be a much longer process with more stress and lots of tears. It is important to be consistent, that is why I advise beginning with only a very brief window of time, and expanding from there.

Sleep is one of those things that you have to accept will be different when you make the decision to have a baby. If after a year or years of meeting your baby’s nighttime needs you feel your baby is ready to transition away from nighttime as mealtime, this gentle strategy can facilitate that transition in a way that is loving and comforting and does not rely on isolation or any ignoring of your baby’s cues. Using a strategy that allows you to be there, responding sensitively to any distress your baby has during this transition will extend the foundation of trust you have worked so hard to build and provide you both with more sleep.

"You look like you adopted that baby!"

2012-01-12T21:24:00.001-08:00

I was at a child’s birthday party and all of the mothers were commenting on how thin I looked, how tiny I was, and how amazing my body looked so soon after birth. Then one of the moms said, “You look like you adopted that baby” and immediately all the other mothers chimed in with enthusiastic agreement that yes- that is exactly what it looks like. At first, I reflexively felt very flattered and replied with a sheepish, “Thank you.” But then it really sank in and it hit me- Why would it be a compliment to look like I took someone else’s baby? It occurred to me that this is exactly what I was getting at in my Body After Baby article. It should not be the social trophy to look like you didn’t have the baby you just had. I worked fucking hard to make this kid! I grew and carried this baby for 9 months inside my womb. I labored for 8 hours and naturally birthed him through my vagina. I want to own that. I want that to be a part of me. I want that to be reflected to the rest of the world. I am West’s Mommy and I am a nurturing, powerful woman because of that journey. I take what they said in as the positive, complimentary energy they were trying to rain over me. I may even try to disregard the specifics and allow their intentions to slightly inflate my self-esteem. But it should not be the social ideal to take up less space in the world and look like you did not just perform the miracle of bringing life into the world.

It seems to me that when women "compliment" other women on being skinny or young, it makes both women feel badly about themselves. I think it is because even though the media makes those things the ideal for women, in real life it really doesn't feel right when people try to put it on us. I don't want all of my years of wisdom and experience and family planning discounted: "You look so young! You look too young to be a therapist or a mother!" I don't want all of my strength and physical experience discounted: "You are so skinny! You look you adopted that baby! There is no way you had 3 kids!" How can we change this culture we are in in which these are the compliments we give each other? I would love to hear, "You look so strong and healthy! Pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding really add to you in such a positive way. You are glowing. You look amazing. What a beautiful mama!"

Babymoon

2012-01-08T14:39:00.001-08:00

A Babymoon Love Letter to My West:

I want to breathe you in. I want to soak you into my pores. I am in heaven. Each minute is the best of my life. I love getting to know this new person, studying every curve, discovering every lash, exploring every crease, gently stroking and nuzzling every inch, cupping your bare feet in my hand, feeling your tiny toes spread in my palm, seeing which muscle twitches when I kiss your lips, learning the song of your sighs, grunts and squeaks and the preferred pose of your hand at your temple, closing my eyes and feeling your wispy hair on my cheek and smelling your sweet breath. The rhythm of your breathing is like a lullaby. I love memorizing all your adorable facial expressions, watching your lips pucker when you fill your diaper, gazing at you, looking into your deep blue eyes and talking with you expressively while you stare at me, eyebrows raised, mouth opened, trying to talk back or completely still and lost in the calm peace of trust, getting to know me as I fall deeper in love with you. Knowing the weight of you skin to skin on my chest, knowing bitter sweetly that each day you will grow, blooming more and more into the man you will become. You and your brothers are my most beautiful, special, magnificent works of art, my masterpieces.

Babymoon so perfectly describes the postpartum period of cacooning with your baby, falling so deeply in love and getting to know your baby, yourself and your partner in a new way, adjusting to relate to the world now as this baby’s mother or father. You physically recover from your birth experience and emerge from your babymoon thinking, “He was worth every second of pain,” grateful for every choice that brought you to this point.

The babymoon is not an intellectual time. It is not a time for schedules or plans. It is not a time for getting things done. It is not a time for worrying about the future or aligning parenting technique loyalties. It is an emotional time. It is a time of the heart. It is a physical time. It is a time of a level of physical and emotional connection that you have never before felt. It is a time for your body to settle into a new equilibrium, a new synergy that incorporates your new baby. It is a time for tears, a time for joy, a time to lay in peace with confusion. It is a time to follow, not lead, learning to follow your baby and your internal wisdom as a mother or father. It is a time of support, accepting the support and love of the people in your life while asserting the boundaries of the cocoon, laying the groundwork for the assertiveness you will need as this new person’s advocate in the face of the world. It is a time to process and integrate your life-changing birth experience into your personhood, finding pride and peace. It is a time to shift and settle into a new relationship with your co-parent that is supportive, understanding, loving and dependable and seeks and builds on the positive interactions with your baby into the fabric of your relationship together.

Tips for a successful babymoon:

Take 1 month off from work- both parents.

The importance and significance of maternity and paternity leave for babies, parents and society as a whole are grossly underestimated here in the US. Employers in particular can be a major challenge in bringing your babymoon to fruition. I encourage you to think outside the box and be willing to make drastic changes to accommodate the new priority in your life. So many parents tell me, “Well that is just not an option for me. No really, it is not possible. I am going to have my baby and I have to return to work right away.” I advise said people that even if that is their primary plan, to spend their pregnancy looking into potential options for a backup plan. If that baby is born and you would sooner cut off your own arm than return to work, how will you survive? You may be surprised what you are willing to live without and sacrifice once your baby is in your arms. If you spend 9 months looking into options and researching possibilities, you will be in a much more comfortable position, whether you choose to exercise those options or not.

Having 30 days to focus exclusively on bonding with your newborn in the safe, quiet, calm environment of your home lifts the cloud of anxiety that can dominate a shortened babymoon. Any less time than that results in you spending the little time you do have focused on leaving. Having 30 days to allow yourself to be filled with nothing but love and ruminate over nothing but being this baby’s mom or dad allows you to get lost in that priority, to wander through this new relationship free of external stress.

Finish your to-do list prior to 38 weeks.

Life is busy. There is always so much to do. At any given time I know I have lots of balls in the air that I am juggling and one of the best things I do for myself in preparation for the arrival of my baby is to put them all down. I anticipate any potential things that could try to jump on my plate during my babymoon, work hard to take care of, finish, or resolve any pending things, I delineate and pass off some of those things to others and still some things I let go. By the time my baby is born, there are no weights on my shoulders (except his adorably perfect, snuggling head while I hold him).

Be selfish.

While I am definitely not an advocate of selfishness, during your babymoon you will be giving all of yourself, completely unselfishly, to your baby. You should allow the support of others to channel through you and add to what you can give to your new little person, who is completely dependent on you every second. Be honest. This is a time when all you have the capacity to worry about are the people on your babymoon with you. Focus on tending those needs and feelings. You can reciprocate the generosity of your support system before, after and for the rest of your life by supporting the people who help you directly and by paying it forward in support of other new parents. However, during your babymoon, allow any kind gestures, offerings and support to wash over you. Appreciate them for what they are- people extending their love to your family during this special time.

Recognize the Baby Blues

The challenges, exhaustion, major hormone shifts and differences between expectations and reality of the postpartum period can all contribute to feeling some degree of depression, anxiety and/or moodiness.

As many as 80% of women experience some mood disturbances after pregnancy. For 10-20% of these women, the Baby Blues don't fade and they can progress into Postpartum Depression.

“I felt like my baby emitted this glowing light, but everything else was gray. I knew that I loved him so intensely but was so worried that he didn’t love me; I was almost consumed by it when I was alone. I felt hideous and out of sync with the world the way I used to exist in it. I cried. I would cry and cry and was not really able to articulate why to my husband. I loved my baby, I was a really good mom, and no one on the outside knew I was feeling the way I was. It almost felt ungrateful to talk about it out loud. It wasn’t until I had cleared the fog that I realized that all those things I kept thinking in my head were just the PPD talking and not reality and, certainly, not my baby. Once I stopped worrying about doing everything I was “supposed” to do and surrendered to the bond between us, I found trust, and I found myself as a mother.”

Know that you are not alone. For those common Baby Blues, it is important to recognize those thoughts and feelings as belonging to the Baby Blues- not to you. For most women, the Baby Blues will fade away on their own as you establish a new equilibrium within yourself and with your baby (which having a 30 day babymooning period allows you to do). Engage in attachment-promoting activities like infant massage, babywearing and breastfeeding. Reach out to mothers in your community or look online for parenting groups of interest to you. If they don’t fade away, seek help from a therapist and/or support group.

Live in a button down nightgown.

A button down night gown makes on cue breastfeeding easier by allowing for frequent and comfortable access to your breasts. It also helps to facilitate periods of skin-to-skin contact, which are so wonderful and healthful for newborns. You simply unbutton the top few buttons and put your baby (in only a diaper) on your chest. You can then close your nightgown and/or put a blanket over his back. A nightgown is also going to be comfortable for the physical recovery of your post-partum body: no waist bands around your belly, no pressure, seams or tightness around your vagina. You also have one-handed access (baby is usually in your other hand) for peeing and potential wound care. Less directly, living in a nightgown encourages you to stay home and discourages too many visitors that are outside of your comfort zone. If you wouldn’t want them seeing you in a nightgown, they shouldn’t be visiting during the babymoon. As you will leak, be spit up, peed and pooped on frequently, I recommend investing in 3 nice, comfortable, button down nightgowns.

Bond with your baby.

Do what your heart tells you feels right. Follow your maternal and paternal wisdom. Tune into the cues of your baby and follow them to a destination brimming with love, warmth and peace. If your baby falls asleep on your chest and it feels like 2 pieces of a puzzle have come together, lay or sit in that for hours. Wear your baby everywhere in a sling, breastfeed on cue, don’t use containers like car seat carriers and swings, co-sleep, massage your baby, take a bath with baby, gaze, smell, feel your baby, etc. The primary purpose of this babymoon is simply to bond with your baby. Every choice you make during this 30 days should be one that takes you a step closer together. This journey of stepping in to each other is such an indescribably wonderful, memorable and rewarding one.

Allow yourself to gradually become the new person you will be.

The second your baby is born you are forever changed. You are not necessarily better or worse (though I would like to think better) but different. This feeling can be unsettling. You feel off balance. You feel like a stranger in your own skin. Your feelings are foreign and overwhelming. All the priorities that shaped your identity are in disarray. The most stable thing in your life, your relationship with your partner, is changing. And you have no idea what is “right”, what you should be doing with this new person you will never again live without. In addition to getting to know your baby on a babymoon you get to know yourself. Take a deep breath when you feel dizzyingly off balance with your new identity and give yourself the gift of the space and time to follow your baby down the path to your new self. Little by little, small choice by choice, you will begin to see the construction of you as mother or father to this baby. It is such a gift: the opportunity to construct who you want to be, melded in love.

"To have a child is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body."
-Elizabeth Stone

A Babymoon Love Letter to My West

2012-01-04T13:54:00.000-08:00

I want to breathe you in. I want to soak you into my pores. I am in heaven. Each minute is the best of my life. I love getting to know this new person, studying every curve, discovering every lash, exploring every crease, gently stroking and nuzzling every inch, cupping your bare feet in my hand, feeling your tiny toes spread in my palm, seeing which muscle twitches when I kiss your lips, learning the song of your sighs, grunts and squeaks and the preferred pose of your hand at your temple, closing my eyes and feeling your wispy hair on my cheek and smelling your sweet breath. The rhythm of your breathing is like a lullaby. I love memorizing all your adorable facial expressions, watching your lips pucker when you fill your diaper, gazing at you, looking into your deep blue eyes and talking with you expressively while you stare at me, eyebrows raised, mouth opened, trying to talk back or completely still and lost in the calm peace of trust, getting to know me as I fall deeper in love with you. Knowing the weight of you skin to skin on my chest, knowing bitter sweetly that each day you will grow, blooming more and more into the man you will become. You and your brothers are my most beautiful, special, magnificent works of art, my masterpieces.

Body After Baby

2011-12-29T18:20:00.001-08:00

“Get your body back after baby!”

I loathe this marketing slogan for exercise programs and diet products. It implies that you lost something which you did not- you gained. Your life was added to and your body reflects that. Your body will never be exactly the same way it was before baby just like you will never be the same.

After the birth of my first baby I was horrified with my body. I don’t know what I expected and I suppose that was part of the problem. Like most women, what I knew of the post baby body was what I saw in the media and what I saw in the mirror was nothing like the celebrities on television. After a year of making no effort to lose weight, my body returned to a new normal- only 2 pounds heavier than before baby but different. It took this whole year and a lot of unnecessary emotional stress to come to terms with who I was now physically. I felt like a stranger in my own skin and to a certain extent, there is a period of getting to know your new self after a baby. But shock and disgust should not be a part of that process. It should be a process of acceptance and love… and new clothes.

I learned a lot from this experience. It gave me the opportunity to look at why we have this goal and ideal of “getting your body back after baby.” It is absurd. Not even so much because it is unattainable but because you shouldn’t want to. I am no longer a teenager and I have no desire to look like one. My body created and nurtured life. I am so proud of that. I am different on the inside, different emotionally, and I want that reflected outside for the world to see.

More importantly, what can we do to have a different experience, a better experience? We need to lift the veil of shame that results in so much secrecy around the post baby body. We need to shift our perspective, adjust our relationships with our bodies to one based on respect, admiration and gratitude. Be in harmony with your body instead of fighting against it. That can include eating healthily and exercising to honor and strengthen your body. But should mostly include appreciating your body, the life it just created and birthed, and focus on nurturing your baby. That post birth experience should be focused on loving your baby and getting to know yourself as a mother and that includes your new body.

With the birth of my second baby, I decided it would be completely different and it was. I knew what to expect this time and that was a huge advantage. I vowed not to look at the scale for 1 year. It took 9 months to grow to the size and weight of hosting a healthy baby. I would give myself the respect and courtesy of at least that much time to settle into a new equilibrium. Besides, what difference does a number on a scale make? All that matters in terms of my body is my health and how I feel about myself. And after the birth of my second child my body was strong, healthy, and beautiful. I released myself from the emotional attachment to pre-baby clothes, released myself completely from the pressure to fit into the clothes I had before I created a second person. If a shirt didn’t look good, it was the shirt- not me. Dress who you are- your body today, not who you used to be.

Another huge factor for me is that I want to be a role model to my children. What do I want them to say about themselves when they look in the mirror? What do I want them to see? My children will never see me pick apart my body. They will never hear me degrade myself. I am not prideful or conceited but I am happy with who I am while positively motivated to improve myself in the ways that are important to me. I am a student of Krav Maga. When my children ask me why I do Krav Maga I say because I want to be strong and tough and able to defend myself and protect them. If I am unhappy with a pair of pants I may say these pants are too small but I would never say I am too fat. What do you want your children to believe about themselves? There are plenty of people in the world who will try to break them down. Don’t model how to do it to themselves.

It is also worth noting that I do not underestimate the role of having an empowered birth experience in your postpartum state of mind in terms of how you see yourself and your body. Walking away from my natural birth with a mind-blowing sense of accomplishment, strength and faith in my body to be everything and exactly what I and my babies need lays the groundwork for a respectful and positive relationship with my body. If you are coming away from a less than empowering birth experience, actively taking charge of writing the script for how you see and relate to your body is the perfect place to reclaim your power and positive self image.

I love my body. 1 week after giving birth to my third baby, I think it looks perfect. Yes, I have a belly. Yes, I have stretch marks. But I am happy to be marked by the creation of 3 human beings. I am a mom. I am a woman. And I love the way I am. I wish more women had the sense of peace with their bodies that I have and I hope it’s contagious. I don't look like a model and I wouldn't want to. I can nurture my babies and kick ass. What more could I want? When I look in the mirror today I think, “Damn, you are amazing.” Don’t get me wrong, I know I am not “pretty.” But I revere my body for creating, growing, birthing, breastfeeding and carrying 3 babies. Honor your baby by honoring yourself.

Review: Dr. Damon Cobb

2011-12-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

I find it kind of mind-blowing that someone who only touched my baby for a second had such an utterly profound impact on him, my family, and me. My birth experience will be a part of me forever and my gratitude to Dr. Cobb for the uniquely compassionate, trusting, respectful, caring, knowledgeable treatment cannot be adequately put into words.

Nine months of getting to know me, my family, my body and this baby, discussing options, and empowering me to make informed decisions was followed by a labor and delivery choreographed to our (my body, my baby and my) needs, based on our innate abilities, and cupped in personal care that I assume comes from a combination of both Dr. Cobb's spirit as a person and an intention to change the world for the better; one birth a time, one question at a time, one hug at a time.

Dr. Damon Cobb

Poway Women's Care
858-618-1156

Review: Doula Jenna Anderson

2011-12-26T23:46:00.000-08:00

For the natural birth of our third child we knew we wanted a doula and as soon as we met Jenna, we knew we found our doula. I could list all the ways she supported our priorities like incorporating our 2 children in the entire experience, managing the implementation of our birth plan or taking photos but to be honest, it was the emotional and physical support she provided to me in the unique and valuable ways that only she could, in perfect complement to my husband’s intimate support, the loving presence of my sons, and the care of an exceptional OB that granted me my baby West’s perfect birth. She was a stable, friendly and knowledgeable presence throughout my labor, filling in gaps and offering helpful guidance but honestly, it was in the final phase of labor when her confident and calm yet understanding support was invaluable to me. With my husband on one side, anchoring me with all his loving support and Jenna on the other, pushing me through with her guidance and practical support as a mother herself and birth professional, I was able to get through the most extreme experience of my life, delivering not only my baby but also my perfect birth experience, which I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Jenna Anderson

http://thebirthofadoula.blogspot.com/

The Birth Story of our West

2011-12-26T14:36:00.000-08:00

As the EDD of December 14^th came and went I was characteristically impatient with my giant belly but had faith that my baby and my body knew more than I did and he would come at the exact right perfect time for him. On December 20^th I went in to see Dr. Cobb and he did an ultrasound to confirm that there was still enough amniotic fluid in his Jacuzzi. There was not. So Dr. Cobb discussed it all with us and we decided to break my water right then and there at the office and we could then go home and call him when we were ready to go to the hospital. All 4 of us were so excited as at 12:00 Dr. Cobb broke my water- we would be having our baby today!

The contractions slowly and steadily began. Once home I walked around the house for a while to encourage contractions, Trouble pacing with my every step, while Joshua got everything and everyone ready. At around 2:00 things really got going and my mom arrived (the boys' doula) and we went in to the hospital.

Our doula, Jenna, met us there and after we got all checked in and made clear our birth plan (which was confirmed over the phone by the nurses with Dr. Cobb- no interventions, including a heploc), I began walking the halls and leaning on the birth ball. As we all walked, hand in hand, I would stop and lean on Joshua during contractions, digging my nails into his shoulders. I perfectly, quietly, calmly breathed through every contraction, turning inward and focusing on getting lost with my body. Joshua was my anchor and the boys surrounded me with love, touching me affectionately and saying, “I love you Mommy.” The contractions steadily progressed and intensified.

Once I hit the final peak of labor I laid on the bed and everything changed. The wave of the contractions began to swell above the cap of what my body could contain as I began to feel the urge to push. I told the doula to get the boys out (I knew I could no longer contain anything and couldn’t worry about saying or doing anything that might scare them). And I began to scream with the contractions. I’m told this entire phase was only 15 minutes but it felt like hours to me. I could not let go of Joshua’s hand and I squeezed it with everything I had. It was my anchor- he was my anchor- to love and support and reality. With Joshua on one side, our doula on the other, and Dr. Cobb finally arriving and taking his place in the dimly lit room, everyone saying the right things, so amazingly supportive, I began to push. It was the most extreme experience of my life. All I could do was scream and push with every ounce of my life force. I felt him move through my body. I screamed, “I can't do this! I don’t want him!” and pushed and screamed one more time, birthing his head and then shoulders in an explosion of so many forces: strength, will, love, nature. And then peace. He was on my chest. 8:20pm

I asked for the boys, who came immediately back in, back to being an integral part of Weston’s entrance into the world (my mom and sister were also in the room, filling the space with love). Everyone loved on him and me while I just held him on my chest and breathed and shivered, my body somewhat in shock. He was so calm. He was so peaceful. He was so respected and loved and it was like being treated that way was permeating into his soul before my eyes. He laid there on my chest, still attached to me through the umbilical for as long as he needed (until it stopped pulsing). There was no rush to gasp for air, no frantic pressure to breathe. He could just… wake up into the world. His brothers were lightly rubbing him and my hands were on him as Joshua cut the cord, and here he was- his own self. My perfect baby.

It was an amazing feeling, laying there trembling, holding my baby, completely free of any and all intervention. Just my body, doing everything to perfection.

Next I birthed the placenta. Skyler was fascinated and so positively interested in every detail while maintaining a steadfast show of love and support for me. Dr. Cobb took the time to show Skyler the placenta and explained the answers to all of his questions. Dr. Cobb said I tore and would need stitches. It was painful but as the 8 stitches went in, I had Joshua and Bailey on one side holding my hand and Skyler and Jenna (our doula) on the other, giving me all the support I needed.

Dr. Cobb commented, “That is a big baby.” I gave the nurse permission to weigh him while I changed nightgowns and got resettled. They announced “8 pounds 12 ounces!” Oh my! They brought him back to me and I tucked him, skin-to-skin, into my nightgown and covered us with blankets. The boys were on either side of us and Joshua had his arm around us all. Heaven. Perfection. The birth story of our West.

Weston Koa
12/20/11 8:20 pm
8 lbs 12 oz

Born 100% naturally: brought into this world solely with mama power, family love (Joshua, Skyler and Bailey), and support (Jenna Anderson and Dr. Damon Cobb).

Attachment Parenting International Interview

2011-09-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

API: Describe your Soothing Slumber DVD.

The Soothing Slumber DVD is a video class of infant massage for nighttime. You will learn all the strokes you need to soothe your baby into a deeper and longer sleep while also gaining knowledge about different sleeping arrangements, safe sleep, why babies wake during the night and what strategies you can use to maximize the amount of sleep that’s healthy for your baby. Incorporate the Soothing Slumber nighttime massage into your bedtime routine and slow your baby’s heart rate, regulate breathing, increase circulation, warm hands and feet, balance hormone levels, and give your baby a lasting dose of skin-to-skin contact and bonding, sending your baby off to a peaceful slumber. The DVD also includes an 18-page Parent Booklet containing stroke handouts, an outline of all of the nighttime parenting material, the Nighttime Harmony article, and a worksheet for parents to incorporate what they have learned into their relationship and life with their baby.

API: What have parents found to be most useful about this DVD?

The increased sleep that parents get at night in a way that enhances their bond with their baby is what parents find to be most useful about this DVD.

API: How does this DVD fit into Attachment Parenting?

The root of this DVD, from which all of the informed parenting choices for nighttime bloom, is an activity of loving and compassionate touch. Parents are encouraged to bond with their baby in a physical way that tunes them into their baby's cues. This helps them to get to know their baby better while increasing sleep in a way that enhances their baby's physical and emotional well-being.

API: Where can parents go for more information?

http://ohanawellness.net/soothingslumbervideo.html

API: Anything else you'd like to add?

I came to the world of Attachment Parenting with the birth of my first son. In a sea of baby trainers, particularly when it came to nighttime with my baby, I struggled to find another way. I wanted something that would honor the maternal wisdom I gained from listening to the loving bond I shared with my baby. I found Infant Massage USA, became a Certified Educator of Infant Massage (with my baby in sling) and combined that with the knowledge, education, and experience of a Masters Degree in Family Therapy and parenting my own little ones, to bring families the Soothing Slumber DVD. This is a way for your baby to get the most sleep that is healthy for him, while honoring his nighttime needs for attachment.

5x7 Folded Card

2011-08-06T18:07:00.001-07:00

Wrapped Wishes Turquoise Birthday 5x7 folded card

To view our collection of birthday card designs, click here.

View the entire collection of cards.

Contest

2011-07-20T17:59:00.000-07:00

Announcing... a contest!

The Soothing Slumber Video has just been launched! The 5th, 10th, and 20th person to purchase the video will win a free large bottle of Angel Baby Oil ($14 value) to help you on your soothing slumber journey!

The Prize:

What's more calming to a baby then a massage from mama? Make mamas magic touch even softer with natural Angel Baby Oil, a gently absorbable grape seed oil blend that has no nut oils, and is toxin-free and vegan. Angel Baby Oil is infused with calming organic chamomile and moisturizing organic calendula and grape seed oil, and has virtually no scent. Perfect for sensitive little noses! No artifical preservatives, dyes or fragrances, just pure natural baby oil for your pure natural baby.

No artificial preservatives (parabens)

No artificial frangrances or dyes

Cruelty-free

Toxin-free

Vegan

The Details:

The 5th, 10th, and 20th person to purchase the $25 Soothing Slumber Video will be shipped a large (4oz) bottle of Earth Mama Angel Baby, Angel Baby Oil for FREE. Winners will be notified upon purchase.

Soothing Slumber Video

2011-07-20T17:50:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to announce that after a very long time and a whole lot of passion and energy, a professionally produced Soothing Slumber video is now available!

Please click the image below to the watch the video preview!

Be sure to forward this email to friends and family!

Learn all the strokes you need to soothe your baby into a deeper and longer sleep while also gaining knowledge about different sleeping arrangements, safe sleep, why babies wake during the night and what strategies you can use to maximize the amount of sleep that’s healthy for your baby.

Incorporate the Soothing Slumber nighttime massage into your bedtime routine and slow baby’s heart rate, regulate breathing, increase circulation, warm hands and feet, balance hormone levels, and give baby a lasting dose of skin-to-skin contact and bonding, sending your baby off to a peaceful slumber.

In this special video class, you can learn the material from the Soothing Slumber class in the comfort of your home, on your schedule, and from any geographic location around the world. This video features instruction on nighttime parenting material interwoven with verbal description and visual demonstration of all of the Soothing Slumber strokes, including in-class footage.

Video.......................................................................................................$25
Receive all the instruction on the Soothing Slumber baby massage strokes as well as the Nighttime Parenting material as a video. Price includes download of the digital copy of the video and stroke handouts.

Mother Guilt

2011-07-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

In my interview for my MFT practicum site I was asked by a wise dual Psychologist and Marital and Family Therapist (over achiever), “What stresses you out?” An interview for a Therapist position by a Psychologist/Therapist is wrought with assessment of self-awareness and reflection. But this question resulted in a long, pensive pause on my part. I could handle a lot. I was incredibly driven and thrived under the challenge of taking on a lot of what most people would traditionally consider stressful.

After seriously pondering the question I took a deep breath, looked this man in the eyes, and realizing I could be completely missing the mark of what he was looking for and alienating him by anchoring my identity in a place to which he could not personally relate, responded by saying, “Mother guilt. There is no guilt like mother guilt. And that guilt breeds stress that is much more difficult and complex to process than more traditional stress. “

“Hmmmm…” Pensive silence on his part now. I walked away from the interview with no doubt in my mind that that experience would be filed in the “good professional experience” column and moved on with my academic/professional plans as though I would be doing my practicum the following year. Weeks later I received a phone call; I got the position. I was the only applicant to be accepted from my program, as a matter of fact.

I could not tell you a single other question I was asked in that interview: vignettes… something about depression… theoretical orientation… but I remember that question so vividly. I can still see his face as he asks it. I can hear the inflection in his tone. I can feel the tension mounting in the air with every passing second as I patiently pondered my answer and responded with total honesty, feeling a tad too exposed for a job interview. But it was the truth. And I pride myself on being authentic even and especially as a Therapist.

Guilt is a reality of motherhood that is completely unrivaled in other roles and life experiences. You may be a stereotype with a Catholic or Jewish mother who nags you constantly, layering on the guilt in a manipulative dance you will play for the rest of your life. But until you are drowning in the impossible pressure of motherhood in our society, you cannot comprehend the depth and pervasiveness of mother guilt (said with an awareness of and distaste for the flavor of condescension the words imply for those who are not mothers), from which it is impossible to escape through traditional means.

It feels impossible to escape because you can’t go around it. Mother guilt is constructed out of brick walls that are fortified on both sides of you. The only way out of mother guilt is through it. Example: If you have a successful career in which you work full-time, you should be home mothering your baby. You are a bad mother. If you spend your days mothering your children, you should be working, contributing financially to the family, and establishing your worth intellectually and otherwise. You are a bad example for your children. You are a bad mother. It is not complicated to understand but most people are just unaware of the impossible pressures of motherhood. So as you can see, there is no way around it. There is no career choice you can make where you “win”. All roads lead to guilt town, the one place on Earth where mothers rule.

This leads us to the coping strategy of so many women today: blame others. This usually takes the form of “Stop making me feel guilty!” But while these societal pressures set up conditions for mothers to be criticized and devalued, guilt is something that comes from within. That’s right. It is worthy of bold. No one can make you feel guilty. Blaming others will not alleviate the guilt. It will only cause you to put on blinders. Example: A new study is shared about a newly discovered benefit of breastfeeding and is met with, “Stop making moms who don’t breastfeed feel guilty!” Ummm… telling people to stop disseminating information that gives moms valuable information and empowers them to make informed choices will not alleviate the guilt you feel. You made your choice. I’m sure you made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. If you feel guilt it is probably because if you were in the position to make that decision again with the information you have now, you would make a different choice. And that feeling sucks. That feeling is guilt. But blaming people who remind you of your choice, bringing to light guilt you feel, will not make the guilt go away.

The only way to free yourself from the guilt is to go through it. Dive into it. Deal with it. Climb into the attic. Turn on the light. Open the fucking boxes and pull all the shit out. The process will involve forgiveness. You will have to forgive yourself. Acknowledge that you made the best choice you could at the time- or you didn’t. Either way, the only way to be freed from the guilt is to forgive yourself. The choice was made. The action was taken. That is the past. Apologize to your baby. Apologize to yourself. Learn from it. Forgive yourself and find peace with that. And now you can embrace the present. You can make better decisions and take better actions now that guilt has compelled you to learn from the past.

The process will also involve some investigative work. Sometimes we don’t know from where the guilt is coming. “I feel so guilty for bed-sharing. I am ashamed and embarrassed and feel like a bad mother but I don’t why. I am happy with our sleep arrangement. My baby is happy and we are both sleeping peacefully.” After some investigation you may find the guilt is coming from a combination of criticism from your mother-in-law and an off-hand remark from your pediatrician. What did your mother-in-law say? Decide it does not fit for your family and release it. Your pediatrician’s diatribe about a drunken mother who suffocated her baby while sleeping with her on the couch is irrelevant to your situation. Appreciate that he chose to share that example with you so that you can learn from it- if you are ever drunk and can’t afford to buy a bed; you will not sleep with your baby on the couch. Lesson learned. Now that guilt has compelled you to pull out those thorns in your side, you can let that comment go.

It is so important to not see guilt as an enemy. Guilt serves a purpose. It has a function. And it’s particularly strong presence in motherhood should clue you in to that purpose. Guilt helps to guide us in the direction that is best for our children. If your baby is crying and all the usual fixes don’t alleviate his sorrow, you feel guilty. You feel guilty for not being able to solve the problem, for not soothing him. This guilt compels you to keep trying. It compels you to hold him close and pace up and down that hallway, swaying and singing, while moving through a checklist in your mind of every possibility. Guilt is one ingredient in the recipe of that maternal bond that keeps babies alive. You may really want to leave your kids in the car while you grocery shop. “It would be so much easier,” you think, sort of jokingly. But of course, even thinking about it you are overwhelmed with guilt and immediately scoop up your little ones, give them a hug and kiss, and say cheerily, “Let’s go!” If you cheated on your spouse, you would feel guilty because you know it is wrong and you would not want your spouse to cheat on you. If you are on a diet and eat a dozen brownies, you would feel guilty because you know this choice is not consistent with your long term goal of losing weight. Guilt serves a purpose and because we love our babies so much and are so unbelievably invested in their well-being, the guilt-o-meter is a powerful presence. It reflects our desire to be a good mother. If you never experienced any guilt as a mother, I would be worried that you were not concerned with trying to be a good parent. Because let’s face it- we are all human, accidents happen, and we all make mistakes. If your baby rolls off the changing table you should feel guilty. You should apologize to your baby, learn from your mistake, and forgive yourself. If you felt no guilt, that would be a concern. Guilt has a place in your life. But like with most things, it should be kept in its place. You do not have to drown in guilt. You should not let regret back pile in the attic of your consciousness. Deal with life as it comes. Make peace with the past and embrace the present.

I was completely blindsided by the guilt that I seemed to birth right along with my first born son. Sitting there in that interview was the first time I stated it out loud in public, bringing to light the presence guilt had in my life. If you are going to judge yourself by everyone else's standards, you will lose and guilt will overtake you. If you do not acknowledge and deal with the regret of past choices you will drown in guilt. Only in tuning in to that loving bond you have with your baby and making your decisions based on that bond while taking into account what’s best for your baby, for you, and for your family can you achieve a peaceful balance within yourself and your life.

Gender Disappointment: I ordered a girl. The universe got my order wrong.

2011-06-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

I walk into a baby boutique and all I see are the simple, modern, yet girly hair clips on a rotating rack until I turn and see the sweet, yet comfortable looking, almost Hawaiian print sundress. These seemingly innocuous things somehow suck the oxygen out of my lungs. The pressure of these unimportant items squeezes my heart so tightly that it labors through each beat. Yet my legs keep taking steps. I somehow smile at the nice looking woman behind the register, feeling almost robotic. And even though I feel like time is moving more slowly, no one else in the store knows.

I am the mother of two extraordinarily wonderful boys for whom the sun rises and sets in my universe. I am happy, truly happy. I am married to my best friend in the kind of marriage that most people only ever see in cheesy movies. I am filled with passion and purpose, fulfilled, in a harmonious balance with my work, family, selfhood, and making a positive contribution to the world. I also carry with me a sadness for the daughter I don’t have. And I am 16 weeks pregnant with our third and final child: sex unknown.

Coming to the decision to have a third child was a contemplative one for me and my husband. We felt like we had a little more room in our hearts and lives for one more. But it wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t that simple because we want a girl. The sadness we felt at the news of the male sex of our second baby was profound and so we waited if and until we decided we were in a place where we would truly be at peace with having a third boy. And I think I’m there.

Growing up I always pictured myself as a mother to a daughter. My husband and I had both always wanted a girl. Before having children we would sit around talking about our future and our family and the picture always contained girls. It wasn’t that we didn’t want a boy. It actually wasn’t that at all. And it wasn’t that our cumulative IQs did not allow for comprehension of the math involved in reproduction. We just, for some unknown reason, always felt destined to have a girl.

When laying there in the dimly lit room, staring at the giant flat screen on the wall, belly covered in goop at sixteen weeks pregnant with my first child, I was overcome with excited shock when struck with the image of the large boy part on the screen; completely shocked but excited at the surprising adventure life had in store for me as a mother of a boy. It was as if in one moment, one instant, the identity that I had always planned for myself had changed. And since this was my first baby, it was okay that he was a boy because surely, our next child would be a girl.

Three years later, having the added store of the best three years of my life mothering my first born son, there I was in that same room. This time we read every book, adhered to every diet, honored the various calendars, and practiced The Secret as religion: this baby was a girl. Only, he wasn’t. Once again, a well-endowed Rainbolt boy was announcing himself to me via ultrasound waves but this time I was devastated. I couldn’t help it.

It took some mourning over the next few months when no one (except my husband) was looking to really come to terms with it. It truly felt like mourning, grieving over the loss of the daughter that I didn’t have. It seemed like nobody understood. People’s casual comments would feel like they physically cut me. Sometimes thoughtless: “A boy!? But girls are so awesome!” Be thoughtful please, people. Sometimes well-meaning: “All that matters is that the baby is healthy.” I loathe when people say this. It implies that either I don’t care about my baby’s health or all of my feelings are completely discounted. Sometimes trivializing, “I get it, those little pink dresses are really cute.” It is not about feminine gender stereotypes or “things” at all. They are merely a symbol of something that is emotionally-based. I am not sad because I like the color pink (As a relevant side note, I do not subscribe to gender role limitations. My son’s favorite color happens to be pink.). Or “It’s not like you are infertile or someone you love died.” I am not in a grief competition. Just because you broke your arm doesn’t mean my sore throat doesn’t hurt. My sadness over not having a girl doesn’t somehow insult the sadness others feel over significant losses. I could see myself in my mind’s eye with small cuts, slowly bleeding tears but when looking in the mirror, would see my confident, pristine self. It is not the kind of hurt that overtakes your life. It did not disrupt my daily functioning. It did not interfere in any way with my relationship with my son. It was just there, inside me, living all alone.

To make matters worse, this hurt seemed to be in a different language than the rest of the world spoke. I never complained about being pregnant with my son. But sometimes when people would ask if I was having a boy or a girl they would pick up on a tinge of that sadness and people seemed to be bitterly angered at the slightest hint of anything but gratitude for the pregnancy. What people don’t understand is that I can feel grateful for my fertility, appreciative for (not taking for granted) the health of this baby, and adoring love for my new baby boy AND simultaneously sad that I am not nurturing a baby girl inside my womb. I do not love my boys any less than I would if they were girls. It is a physical impossibility for me to love my boys anymore than I do. I love each of them more than every drop of sunlight that has ever touched the Earth. This baby did not disappoint me and my sweet Bailey Sage, now three years old, lives a jubilant life full of unconditional love. I would not give him away or trade him. As a matter of fact, I would not trade one second of time with him for any other child: boy, girl, or alien. I just wish I had a daughter.

Now here we are again, three years later and sixteen weeks pregnant with what I’m sure will be a child as wonderful as my first two children. We are so happy, excited, and blessed. But this is it. This is an identity firming moment. If this baby is a boy, I am the mother of 3 boys. I live in a house with 5 boys (counting our dog). I am the Queen in a land of princes. And I will also be closing the door on having the baby girl I always dreamed I would have. I don’t know if I will someday have complete and total peace around the loss of someone so important in my life that I never knew, that never really even existed. It feels like I loved her before I ever knew her and there is no place for that love to go. So it just sits, aching, deep in the back of my heart. My boys are so completely and fully loved. My heart swells just speaking of them. But I could no more transfer that love to them than you could just get over the loss of your mother by transferring your love for her to your father. Love and sadness just don’t always work that way. If this little Raindrop tickling my belly right now is a boy, I will love him. I will paint my bedroom purple, embracing my own femininity. I will adopt a little girl doggy, name her something obnoxious like Princess, and put moronic bows in her fur. I can’t say that it won’t sting when someone tells me they are pregnant with a girl. In fact, I’m pretty sure it will sting. But I will close the door on the pain that hope can sometimes bring, embrace my new identity, live and love my fun life, and find a way to move on.

But if this baby is a girl (deep sigh), I will be the mother of two sons and a daughter.

Conclusion to follow…

So here I am, laying in the dimly lit room, staring at the giant flat screen on the wall, belly covered in goop at sixteen weeks pregnant with my third and final child. My husband is holding my hand, looking more nervous than the day we got married. My boys are sitting next to us in chairs, mostly playing on the iPad but jumping over and rubbing me lovingly me every few minutes, gazing up at their new baby. “I remember looking at you when you were in your Mommy’s belly. And you too!” Our ultrasound guy is so good, so friendly in a non-creepy way but also ignorantly positive, unaware of the state he has put us in each time we have left his office. As he glides around on my belly, looking for just the right vantage point, it takes my ears and eyes a good ten seconds to coordinate with my brain and process what has just happened. “It’s a boy!” To be more precise, he typed “It’s a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

In that ten seconds I can feel the pressure from the door slamming shut. It momentarily sucks all of the oxygen out of the room and it takes a minute for me to be able to fill my lungs again. It’s as if the entire fabric of the universe has shifted and my husband and I are the only ones who are aware it. Deep breath. Just keep breathing. I love this wee wiggly one. I love this baby’s soul, which is genderless, the truest essence of this baby. I just wish he had sprouted girl parts. I will never have that moment I’ve dreamt of, overflowing with joy for the honor of that divine feminine energy blooming inside me. I will never be able to take my powerful, compassionate daughter by the hand and lead her through the experiences the world has to claim. I smile as we count his ten toes. God I wish they were “her” toes. But I can’t wait to kiss each one. Goodbye to the daughter I inexplicably felt destined to have but never found. Hello to our newest little Baby Boy Rainbolt. You are joining your brothers in a legacy of love.

Books We Love

2011-03-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

Books We Love

Rachel Rainbolt, M.A., CEIM

www.OhanaWellness.com

You can really help to shape your child's experience and understanding of their world through the books you read together. Choose wisely and make reading books together a part of your lives. I have spent hours on the floors of bookstores and libraries reading through piles of books and gratefully receiving wonderful additions to our library from friends. Here are our favorites:

My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss
My Many Colored Days is absolutely one of my favorite books. It gives little ones so much. Emotional intelligence is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. Research shows the factor that most predicts success is not physical appearance or intelligence but Emotional Intelligence (EQ). This book gives the littlest ones a platform to grasp these concepts, dive into their imagination, explore themselves, and read others. The art is absolutely gorgeous and so eye-catching. The animals characters make the story relevant and interesting for the youngest of readers. I have the board book version so my babies can really "experience" the book but it comes in a standard version as well. Very classy book- a staple of any solid family library.

The Pout-Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen
This is my absolute favorite book- a must have for your child's library. Read it with a sense of humor and really play up the emotional states in the book. It's so entertaining, has super cute illustrations, and so effectively teaches one of the best lessons you can teach your kids; life and who you are is all a matter of interpretation. Be a kiss-kiss fish!

The Pout-Pout Fish in the Big-Big Dark
The much anticipated sequel to The Pout-Pout Fish, one of our absolute favorite books, is here! Our beloved Mr. Fish with his new friend Ms. Shimmer embarks on a journey of friendship, overcoming his fear of the dark. If you loved The Pout-Pout Fish (and how could you not), your little ones will enjoy reuniting with Mr. Fish as he discovers his true strength: friendship. The perfect addition to your growing library. Read with your child every night and grow the mind, grow the heart.

Someday by Alison McGhee
The seasons of life are something that can be difficult for a little one to comprehend. This story captures the essence of love throughout time between a mother and child, on through generations, so well.

I Love You Through and Through by Bernadette Rosetti-Shustak
This adorable book breaks down all the sides of your baby that you love. In addition to being simple and sweet, this book is playful. You can touch or enact all the sides of your baby that you love (ex: bottom side, loud side) as you read. One of my favorites to read with the little boys I love through and through. This is one of those books I will save for the rest of their lives.

Where To, Little Wombat by Charles Fuge

Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney

It’s Time to Sleep, My Love by Nancy Tillman
I love this book. I breath deeper just thinking about it. It's a great nighttime story with beautifully serene artwork and a poetic and loving story. It's like a lullabye weaved with visual imagery.

On the Day You Were Born by Debra Frasier

On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by Bill Martin Jr and John Archambault

Knuffle Bunny by Mo Willems
This book is great. It is so funny and kids relate so well all while providing opportunity for great conversations about emotion. It is the story of a little girl name Trixie who ventures to the laundry mat with her daddy and on the way home realizes something… (her knuffle bunny didn’t make the trip home). She “bawls” and goes “boneless” all while her daddy gets more frustrated and angry. Then, of course, the minute they open the door to the house mom says, “Where’s Knuffle Bunny?” and a mad dash and search and rescue operation ensue. The book is short and the illustration mixes real life photo with bright and vibrant drawing so it captures the attention of little ones. It so accurately tells the tale of a baby’s world and how their behavior is about communication and emotion. Our favorite thing to do is identify what Trixie might be feeling by her various facial expressions. Read with your baby’s stuffie in hand!

The Dark, Dark Night by M. Christina Butler

Have You Seen My Potty by Mij Kelly
This book is just ridiculously cute. This little girl "has something very important to do" but the animals keep swiping her potty seat! They revel in the joy of finally having something to solve all their potty needs but Susie Sue has to poo! Make the potty seat a part of your little one's world. The adorable illustrations and sweet rhymes of this story are just what you need to introduce your baby to the potty seat as a fun, positive thing. Such a funny story- just as enjoyable for the story reader as the story listener :).

Bear Snores On by Karma Wilson

Bear Feels Sick by Karma Wilson
Bear Feels Sick is a great book about friendship, empathy, and tender loving care. I love the whole Bear series and this story in particular just teaches such great lessons about being a good friend that so many children today seem to be missing. All the animal friends take care of their friend Bear when he is sick and then when he feels better all of his animal friends fall ill and Bear gets to reciprocate. My favorite part about the Bear books is the writing. The rhyme and flow is so easy and fun to read- poetry you both will enjoy and the illustrations are beautiful works of art.

Llama Llama Mad at Mama by Anna Dewdney

Llama Llama Red Pajama by Anna Dewdney

Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney

You Can Do It, Sam by Amy Hest

The Night Before Christmas- Jan Brett

The Spirit of Christmas by Nancy Tillman
I love all of Nancy Tillman's books and this Christmas book lives up to her poetic and artistic style, centering itself on that beautiful and emotional bond between parent and child.
"And so then, my darling, wherever you roam,
may you always be safe...may you always come home.
For as long as the world still spins and still hums,
wherever you are, and no matter what comes,
the best part of Christmas will always be...
you beneath my Christmas tree."

Bear Stays Up for Christmas by Karma Wilson
I love the whole Bear series by Karma Wilson. Other books in the series include Bear Feels Sick and Bear Snores On. These stories teach such great lessons in friendship and are so fun to read. If every child learned to be a good friend, the work would be so much closer to peace. The illustrations are so pretty, Jane Chapman is one of my favorite illustrators.
Read seasonal books. Not only are they a great opportunity to celebrate your beliefs (you can select books tailored to your family's beliefs) but they connect children to the earth. Celebrate the seasons!

Relax Kids: Aladdin's Magic Carpet: And other Fairy Tale Meditations for Princesses and Superheroes by Marneta Viegas
Want your child to have inner peace? Get this book. This book is perfect as a final story before bed or during those times when you and your child need to connect and re-center. Each story promotes relaxation, strngths of chjaracter, and ignites the imagination.
Note: I hate gender stereotypes but don't be put off by the mention of princesses and superheroes in the title. The author discusses in the foreword that her characters are meant to ignite the positive masculinity and femininity in every child.

Born with a Bang: The Universe Tells Our Cosmic Story by Jennifer Morgan
This book was given to my 4-year-old son by his friend Tara with the inscription, "This book will blow your mind." My sons response: "It did Mommy, it did."

Dr. Seuss

Yertle the Turtle

The Lorax

ABC

Green Eggs and Ham

The Sneetches

Sibling

Baby on the Way by Dr. Sears

What Baby Needs by Dr. Sears
When I was pregnant with my second child my husband and I knew we wanted our son to be involved in the entire process of bringing our new baby into the world, and into the fold of our family. We wanted him to feel as if this baby belonged to him, just as much as he belonged to us. We wanted to prepare him through the lens of our family values. I was so grateful when I found Baby on the Way and What Baby Needs by Sears. As the founders of the modern Attachment Parenting movement, the Sears books for big brother or sister include aspects of our parenting that most sibling books (when you can find them at all) do not, like breastfeeding. While preparing for the arrival of our new baby these books were Skyler's top choices for night-night stories. He excitedly looked forward to his role in caring for his new little brother. I highly recommend these books for mamas with a Baby on the Way, and one already in your arms.

You’re All My Favorites by Sam McBratney

Grown Up Books

The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. Sears

The Sneaky Chef: Simple Strategies for Hiding Healthy Foods in Kids' Favorite Meals by Missy Chase Lapine
The sneaky chef is an awesome book that every parent must have. The first several chapters delve into the whole philosophical debate behind sneaking vegetables so I will only simply state that there are only two things little ones are absolutely in control of: what goes in their mouth and where they put it when it comes out. Potty training and eating can turn in to major battle grounds that they need not be. It is your job as a good parent to provide your child with healthy meals. It is not your job to make them eat it.
Personally, I don't cook and I hate vegetables. I hate them. I refuse to eat them. As a grown woman I will not touch so much as a leaf of lettuce. Nada. The therapist in me is sure I am rebelling from a childhood of being forced to eat them instead of allowed to appreciate them. But the bottom line is they just taste icky and you can't make me! I am a picky eater and unfortunately my eldest little angel inherited my numerous taste buds (that's right, research shows that picky eaters actually have MORE taste buds on their tongues, making them more sensitive to the flavors and textures of foods). So how do I get the healthy vegetables our bodies need past the taste buds in a way that is respectful of my son's ownership of his body and fosters an appreciation instead of aversion for healthy foods? The Sneaky Chef. All of the healthy goodies like chickpeas, calliflower, and spinach are pureed, mixed with masking flavors, then cooked with the food. I am fostering an appreciation for these foods in my son by framing them as ingredients that are a part of our favorite meals, kitchen, and lives. And personally, I am excited! This book has changed my life. I am eating bushels of vegetables every week. Since I bought this cookbook I have consumed more healthy foods than I ate in the last decade. Thank you Missy Chase Lapine!

Do you have a book you and your little one love? Please, let me know about it! OhanaWellness@gmail.com

Announcing...

2011-03-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

Super exciting news for Ohana Wellness...

We are now www.OhanaWellness.COM!!!!

We still own www.OhanaWellness.net as well so all of your links and bookmarks will still work.

Contribute to our understanding of how to have a happy, secure relationship.

2010-10-02T18:13:00.000-07:00

Anyone have a good romantic relationship now and had 1 or 2 crappy parents as a kid? My friend (she is great) is doing a study and will give you a $25 gift card just to let her come to you on your schedule and ask you some questions. Message her below! Thanks!

ATTENTION WOMEN AGES 25-35:
Are you in a loving, trusting, and caring romantic relationship?

If so, you may qualify to participate in a doctoral research project investigating the relationship between childhood experiences and adult romantic relationships. There are three phases to this study: phase one involves a brief phone interview and takes approximately 5 minutes; phase two involves taking some questionnaires online and takes approximately 10 minutes and; phase three involves an individual interview to talk about your relationships and will take approximately 90 minutes.

To participate, you must:
→Be a heterosexual female between 25-35 years of age
→Currently be in a healthy, romantic relationship for 2 or more years
→Reside in the same county as your romantic partner/spouse/boyfriend/fiancée at least 7 months out of the year
→Have had a negative, abusive, and/or strained relationship with one OR both parents/primary caregivers in childhood/adolescence

Your participation is:
VOLUNTARY and you may withdraw participation at any time
CONFIDENTIAL and your privacy will be maintained
COMPENSATED upon full completion of phase three (interview)
*compensation in the form of a $25 Borders gift card*

This study has been approved by the Institutional Review Board at the California School of Professional Psychology (CSPP) at Alliant International University and will be supervised by faculty at CSPP.

To be considered for participation in this study, please contact:
Andrea M. Jablonski, M. A. @ (310) 597-1940 or ARRstudy@gmail.com
Please provide the following information:
NAME
PHONE NUMBER
AGE
SEXUAL ORIENTATION
HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN IN YOUR CURRENT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP

Announcing...

2010-08-10T00:49:00.001-07:00

the NEW www.OhanaWellness.net!

I am so proud and pleased to announce the launch of our new and improved website. My husband is the most amazing blend of artist and technical genius and for his work creating this masterpiece for me and you, I am so grateful.

Check it out! Explore! Join! Tour our new playground and let us know what you think!