"You look like you adopted that baby!"

I was at a child’s birthday party and all of the mothers were commenting on how thin I looked, how tiny I was, and how amazing my body looked so soon after birth. Then one of the moms said, “You look like you adopted that baby” and immediately all the other mothers chimed in with enthusiastic agreement that yes- that is exactly what it looks like. At first, I reflexively felt very flattered and replied with a sheepish, “Thank you.” But then it really sank in and it hit me- Why would it be a compliment to look like I took someone else’s baby? It occurred to me that this is exactly what I was getting at in my Body After Baby article. It should not be the social trophy to look like you didn’t have the baby you just had. I worked fucking hard to make this kid! I grew and carried this baby for 9 months inside my womb. I labored for 8 hours and naturally birthed him through my vagina. I want to own that. I want that to be a part of me. I want that to be reflected to the rest of the world. I am West’s Mommy and I am a nurturing, powerful woman because of that journey. I take what they said in as the positive, complimentary energy they were trying to rain over me. I may even try to disregard the specifics and allow their intentions to slightly inflate my self-esteem. But it should not be the social ideal to take up less space in the world and look like you did not just perform the miracle of bringing life into the world.

It seems to me that when women "compliment" other women on being skinny or young, it makes both women feel badly about themselves. I think it is because even though the media makes those things the ideal for women, in real life it really doesn't feel right when people try to put it on us. I don't want all of my years of wisdom and experience and family planning discounted: "You look so young! You look too young to be a therapist or a mother!" I don't want all of my strength and physical experience discounted: "You are so skinny! You look you adopted that baby! There is no way you had 3 kids!" How can we change this culture we are in in which these are the compliments we give each other? I would love to hear, "You look so strong and healthy! Pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding really add to you in such a positive way. You are glowing. You look amazing. What a beautiful mama!"