You Can't Paint a Rainbow With Just One Color

“Boys will be boys.”

I loathe this expression. It is frequently offered by parents who have dropped the ball in their responsibility to raise an empathetic citizen of humanity. Just because your child has a penis, doesn’t make it okay for him to hit my child.

Gender socialization has been proven to begin in the womb. Research shows that we talk a lot more to our babies while they are still in the womb if we are told they are girls. Why should we limit our verbal interaction with our babies just because they are male? Then as they age we say we don’t talk with them as much because they just aren’t as communicative. They aren’t as communicative because we don’t talk with them as much! It is a reciprocal dynamic of influence that results in us missing out on a lot of quality, meaningful conversations with our sons.

Traits like aggression and actions like hitting are two different things. Testosterone is not an excuse for behavior that violates the rights of others. When I see one girl hit another girl on the playground it is usually accompanied by a time of separation and a long talk. This talk usually contains two components: making it clear that that choice is not acceptable and empathy building, helping the child to see the situation from behind the eyes of the victim. Frequently this talk ends with the female aggressor apologizing to the recipient of her aggressive action. When I see a boy hit a child on the playground, it usually elicits little more than an eye roll from the parent, maybe a “Stop!” as the child runs off. So is the boy more aggressive because we allow it or do we allow it because the boy is more aggressive? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The answer is that it is a combination of both nature and nurture. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter- our jobs as the parents of our individual children are the same. We must get to know who they are, both the essence of their being and the minutia of their ways and preferences and use that to help guide them to become the best person they can be- to be happy within themselves and a positive contributor to the world.

A friend, who has 5 daughters, remarked to me that, “Whenever I take my girls anywhere someone is always calling them ‘princess’. Yes they are girls but they have the capacity to be interested in other things!” Girls are often praised as princesses for traits like being pretty and quiet. Are those really the qualities you want your daughter to aspire to? As a mother to 3 boys I can tell you I often hear, “Hey tough guy!” Do we really want our sons to be aggressive and emotionally out of touch? I am not saying that the resilience and strength associated with being tough is a bad thing. I am not saying that we cannot appreciate the beauty of our children or that there is no value in listening. I am saying that a well rounded person should have access to ALL of these characteristics. What will grant them that access is encouragement of behaviors and traits beyond the limits of their gender stereotypes. Praise your daughter for her leadership and courage in addition to her natural physical state. Praise your son for his empathetic care of others in addition to his commanding presence.

All human beings need to receive, have the potential to give, and thrive on immense affection, regardless of the genitalia with which they were born. They have the same capacity to love, care and hurt. They have the same need for love, care and comfort. Their capacity to hold all those feel good bonding hormones that are replenished with acts of love and gestures of affection are the same. The lifelong benefits received from having those needs met are the same. If they fall and scrape their knee, they bleed the same and experience the same pain. A boy is no more equipped to tolerate the pain and isolation of a physical and emotional wound left untended than a girl. A girl is in need of no more coddling than a boy. When we deny our boys the affection they need they will seek that physical contact in other, more gender role accepted ways like hitting and wrestling- both of which are physical connection, which all humans need for survival. Withholding the physical expression of our love and tenderness from our sons and discouraging them from sharing that with others robs everyone of the level of peace we could attain as a people.

Thinking of all the love that the world misses out on from boys gives me a heavy heart. My sons spend hours a day, usually during the course of other activities, lovingly stroking the back of their brother, hugging, kissing and cuddling me, and expressing loving words of affection and care. I cannot imagine what kind of life I would have, what kind of family my children would grow up in, what kind of world I would be surrounded by if this affection was not a part of our lives. They still have sword fights as Peter Pan and Captain Hook but they also have access to a whole pool of other emotions and expressions of their relationships. Why limit your child’s depth based on their gender?

Mimicking the nurturing care he sees given to his baby brother.

Play is the world through which children exercise… everything. It is the playground of the imagination, the therapeutic space for their issues and the practice ring for their learning. Limiting the type, style or specifics of your child’s play based on arbitrary gender boundaries is profoundly limiting. A boy who plays with dolls is allowed to process the way in which he is cared for, practice relating to others and prepares for the potential transition into fatherhood. A girl who is given blocks is allowed to exercise the mathematical side of her brain and use spatial reasoning.  A girl who has a parent who plays the role of princess or villain and allows his/her daughter to play the role of hero, defeating the scary or seemingly insurmountable in her life is empowered and encouraged to tap into her courage, strength and leadership. A boy who is granted access to a full spectrum of dress up opportunities, beyond fireman and cowboy is allowed to try on, experience and manipulate the myriad of human experiences.

Once your children enter the classroom the ignorance of others will begin their influence on your precious progeny. The foundation you give them must be strong enough to endow them with the strength of character to be true to who they are in the face of that ignorance. Will your daughter who has a natural ability and interest in math persist with her passion when her teacher calls on the boys for math and science questions 2/3 of the time? Will your son channel the empathy he received from you and prioritize his relationships over his status and stand up for a peer who is being bullied? Will your daughter excel at a sport that she is great at? Will your son wear his favorite pink shirt?

I am not advocating for gender neutrality. I am against gender as a limiting force in the formation of your child’s identity. In some cultures pink is for boys and blue is for girls (pink and red are considered the color of battle while blue represents docility and the giving of life). In our culture, it is arbitrarily vice versa. There is nothing written into our DNA, no code in the X/Y chromosomes that dictate color preference. I want all of my children to have access to the full spectrum of the rainbow on their palettes. Restricting the colors with which they can paint the world only limits what they are able to create, see, imagine and manifest.