Mother Guilt

In my interview for my MFT practicum site I was asked by a wise dual Psychologist and Marital and Family Therapist (over achiever), “What stresses you out?” An interview for a Therapist position by a Psychologist/Therapist is wrought with assessment of self-awareness and reflection. But this question resulted in a long, pensive pause on my part. I could handle a lot. I was incredibly driven and thrived under the challenge of taking on a lot of what most people would traditionally consider stressful.

After seriously pondering the question I took a deep breath, looked this man in the eyes, and realizing I could be completely missing the mark of what he was looking for and alienating him by anchoring my identity in a place to which he could not personally relate, responded by saying, “Mother guilt. There is no guilt like mother guilt. And that guilt breeds stress that is much more difficult and complex to process than more traditional stress. “

“Hmmmm…” Pensive silence on his part now. I walked away from the interview with no doubt in my mind that that experience would be filed in the “good professional experience” column and moved on with my academic/professional plans as though I would be doing my practicum the following year. Weeks later I received a phone call; I got the position. I was the only applicant to be accepted from my program, as a matter of fact.

I could not tell you a single other question I was asked in that interview: vignettes… something about depression… theoretical orientation… but I remember that question so vividly. I can still see his face as he asks it. I can hear the inflection in his tone. I can feel the tension mounting in the air with every passing second as I patiently pondered my answer and responded with total honesty, feeling a tad too exposed for a job interview. But it was the truth. And I pride myself on being authentic even and especially as a Therapist.

Guilt is a reality of motherhood that is completely unrivaled in other roles and life experiences. You may be a stereotype with a Catholic or Jewish mother who nags you constantly, layering on the guilt in a manipulative dance you will play for the rest of your life. But until you are drowning in the impossible pressure of motherhood in our society, you cannot comprehend the depth and pervasiveness of mother guilt (said with an awareness of and distaste for the flavor of condescension the words imply for those who are not mothers), from which it is impossible to escape through traditional means.

It feels impossible to escape because you can’t go around it. Mother guilt is constructed out of brick walls that are fortified on both sides of you. The only way out of mother guilt is through it. Example: If you have a successful career in which you work full-time, you should be home mothering your baby. You are a bad mother. If you spend your days mothering your children, you should be working, contributing financially to the family, and establishing your worth intellectually and otherwise. You are a bad example for your children. You are a bad mother. It is not complicated to understand but most people are just unaware of the impossible pressures of motherhood. So as you can see, there is no way around it. There is no career choice you can make where you “win”. All roads lead to guilt town, the one place on Earth where mothers rule.

This leads us to the coping strategy of so many women today: blame others. This usually takes the form of “Stop making me feel guilty!” But while these societal pressures set up conditions for mothers to be criticized and devalued, guilt is something that comes from within. That’s right. It is worthy of bold. No one can make you feel guilty. Blaming others will not alleviate the guilt. It will only cause you to put on blinders. Example: A new study is shared about a newly discovered benefit of breastfeeding and is met with, “Stop making moms who don’t breastfeed feel guilty!” Ummm… telling people to stop disseminating information that gives moms valuable information and empowers them to make informed choices will not alleviate the guilt you feel. You made your choice. I’m sure you made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. If you feel guilt it is probably because if you were in the position to make that decision again with the information you have now, you would make a different choice. And that feeling sucks. That feeling is guilt. But blaming people who remind you of your choice, bringing to light guilt you feel, will not make the guilt go away.

The only way to free yourself from the guilt is to go through it. Dive into it. Deal with it. Climb into the attic. Turn on the light. Open the fucking boxes and pull all the shit out. The process will involve forgiveness. You will have to forgive yourself. Acknowledge that you made the best choice you could at the time- or you didn’t. Either way, the only way to be freed from the guilt is to forgive yourself. The choice was made. The action was taken. That is the past. Apologize to your baby. Apologize to yourself. Learn from it. Forgive yourself and find peace with that. And now you can embrace the present. You can make better decisions and take better actions now that guilt has compelled you to learn from the past.

The process will also involve some investigative work. Sometimes we don’t know from where the guilt is coming. “I feel so guilty for bed-sharing. I am ashamed and embarrassed and feel like a bad mother but I don’t why. I am happy with our sleep arrangement. My baby is happy and we are both sleeping peacefully.” After some investigation you may find the guilt is coming from a combination of criticism from your mother-in-law and an off-hand remark from your pediatrician. What did your mother-in-law say? Decide it does not fit for your family and release it. Your pediatrician’s diatribe about a drunken mother who suffocated her baby while sleeping with her on the couch is irrelevant to your situation. Appreciate that he chose to share that example with you so that you can learn from it- if you are ever drunk and can’t afford to buy a bed; you will not sleep with your baby on the couch. Lesson learned. Now that guilt has compelled you to pull out those thorns in your side, you can let that comment go.

It is so important to not see guilt as an enemy. Guilt serves a purpose. It has a function. And it’s particularly strong presence in motherhood should clue you in to that purpose. Guilt helps to guide us in the direction that is best for our children. If your baby is crying and all the usual fixes don’t alleviate his sorrow, you feel guilty. You feel guilty for not being able to solve the problem, for not soothing him. This guilt compels you to keep trying. It compels you to hold him close and pace up and down that hallway, swaying and singing, while moving through a checklist in your mind of every possibility. Guilt is one ingredient in the recipe of that maternal bond that keeps babies alive. You may really want to leave your kids in the car while you grocery shop. “It would be so much easier,” you think, sort of jokingly. But of course, even thinking about it you are overwhelmed with guilt and immediately scoop up your little ones, give them a hug and kiss, and say cheerily, “Let’s go!” If you cheated on your spouse, you would feel guilty because you know it is wrong and you would not want your spouse to cheat on you. If you are on a diet and eat a dozen brownies, you would feel guilty because you know this choice is not consistent with your long term goal of losing weight. Guilt serves a purpose and because we love our babies so much and are so unbelievably invested in their well-being, the guilt-o-meter is a powerful presence. It reflects our desire to be a good mother. If you never experienced any guilt as a mother, I would be worried that you were not concerned with trying to be a good parent. Because let’s face it- we are all human, accidents happen, and we all make mistakes. If your baby rolls off the changing table you should feel guilty. You should apologize to your baby, learn from your mistake, and forgive yourself. If you felt no guilt, that would be a concern. Guilt has a place in your life. But like with most things, it should be kept in its place. You do not have to drown in guilt. You should not let regret back pile in the attic of your consciousness. Deal with life as it comes. Make peace with the past and embrace the present.

I was completely blindsided by the guilt that I seemed to birth right along with my first born son. Sitting there in that interview was the first time I stated it out loud in public, bringing to light the presence guilt had in my life. If you are going to judge yourself by everyone else's standards, you will lose and guilt will overtake you. If you do not acknowledge and deal with the regret of past choices you will drown in guilt. Only in tuning in to that loving bond you have with your baby and making your decisions based on that bond while taking into account what’s best for your baby, for you, and for your family can you achieve a peaceful balance within yourself and your life.